*COMEDY* Interview: Was I forced to be a member of my church? (Mormon/CJCLDS)

Imagined transcript from interview explaining my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). This interview took place with a mouthy, antagonistic person, but I like her anyway:

Q: You live in Utah, so that's probably why you're a member of the predominant religion I assume?

A: I guess it has something to do with it. The odds are higher here...

Q: You must have come from one of those families where everyone has been a member of your church for generations and all that? I mean, again, you live in Utah.

A: Well mostly I think my family has been Mormons, oops, I mean (crossing myself) members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, for a few generations. But I don't have my family history totally *memorized* so I'm not sure. I do know there were plenty of weird family members who weren't squeaky clean church-goers though. Lots of dirt and skeletons in the closet. *cough*

Q: Were your parents totally shoving this religion down your throat? Lots of people have no choice when they grow up in a cult, so, sorry to be so forward, but I'm guessing that's the case here?

A: *coughing again* Wow. These questions are interesting. OK. No, no shoving down the throat, well not in the way you'd think. My dad was too busy getting drunk and worshiping his money to even know whether I went to church or not. My mom was self-medicating with perfectionism and OCD (picture her carrying an individual hair to the trash can if she found one on her floor; also, she vacuumed daily), and that kept her occupied. We did go to church, but when we got home, my mom would complain about the other members, and dad would take us out for pizza. So I would say no, it probably wasn't what you think.

Q: Yeah, but I mean, your parents probably didn't let you think for yourself, right? Someone who thought a lot and read a lot of science and stuff like that, or at least were allowed basic critical thought processes, would never join a cult like yours.

A: Oh, I see, yes, you are right. I was shamed consistently if I didn't think or do what my parents wanted. But it was more around chores and "the look on my face" and keeping quiet so nobody got mad and stuff like that. I was never told to read my scriptures. I was never forced to attend church activities if that's what you mean.

Q: But wouldn't your parents have freaked out if you hadn't stayed in their church?

A: Maybe. I don't know. I basically always liked church. I did drop out of seminary one year, but my mom didn't care because she thought the teacher was lame. And at one point I refused to go to the girl's activities, and again, she didn't care. So it's hard to say. She did pray a lot and talked about spiritual experiences a lot. I think that affected me. I think if she did anything to sway me one way or another it was that I saw her getting comfort in her prayers.

Q: If she didn't force you, why did you stay in the church?

A: If my parents had both left the church, I would have stayed in it. I liked what I learned there. At church we learned how to be good people. I felt good when I prayed and read the scriptures. That helped me get answers in my life. And when I learned about the prophets teachings, it always seemed like pretty sound advice that I could build a life on. So far it has not failed me.

Q: Weren't you baptized when you were eight? That's awfully young to make such a decision.

A: Yeah, I was baptized at 8. My dad sobered up long enough to be worthy to do it. I don't remember anything about it. I don't remember being excited, scared, or anything. But I wasn't forced. And if I hadn't wanted to do it, I'm sure I could have pulled something out of my bag of tricks, like when I avoided pulling weeds on Saturday mornings and always conveniently had to go to the bathroom and then never came back outside.

Q: Fine. Fine. Moving on. What religion would you be if you'd never heard of your church?

A: Buddhist. But that's not really a religion, more a psychology, but probably a Buddhist who does a lot of yoga and goes to yoga retreats a lot where they serve really expensive whole foods with the very best ingredients and nobody talks to you very much and you're out in nature a lot. It sounds really nice. Great lifestyle.

Q: I'm guessing you don't get out much? Never mind. OK. Last question. Will you stay in the church if they never allow gay marriage? Sorry to pull this out at the end, but I'm dying to know...It's a big deal these days.

A: Yeah. I will stay, regardless. And I'm tired of people asking that. My belief system was never built on whether my church would allow boys to marry boys. It is based on that God hears my prayers, speaks to a prophet, has revealed scriptures, and guides my life. What God chooses to do about who-marries-who is his business and I'll accept it either way.

Q: Hmm. You didn't score any points for that one, but oh well. Anyway, thanks for the interview.

A: Mmmm hmmm (picking something out from under a fingernail)

Q: Your mom really carried a single hair to the garbage can?

A: Consistently. Yes. Multiple times per day. It was a thing.

Q: Interesting.

A: Feel free to delete that from the transcript.

Q: Not a chance.