Dear sons,
You may not know this, but your leaving the church has been good for me. I didn't ever think my kids would leave the faith. But please know I respect your choice.
One of the first tenants of my faith is the right to choose for ourselves. That is a God-given power you have, to guide your own life in the light of your best judgment. I wouldn't want anyone to take my freedom to choose away, and nobody should take yours either.
What a strange experience it is for me, someone who has passionately loved her religion and her relationship with God, to have all three sons leave the gospel within a year of each other. What a strange experience indeed. I've reflected on it many times. In a way, I never stop reflecting on it.
My parents were unhappy, both as children and as adults. And life was hard when I was a kid. Our home wasn't happy. But we had the gospel, at least, to a degree, because my mom took us to church and sometimes we read scriptures and wrote in our journals. Church was where I learned what to aim for, and how I could structure my life in a positive direction.
I honestly don't know where I'd be without my faith. If I'd just followed my family as a guide for life, I'd be living in a ditch somewhere, addicted, angry, and directionless. But I had the lessons at church to show me a better way. There, I learned to forgive, to work hard in school, and to try my best to be a good daughter, then wife, then mother.
Sometimes I've tried to tell you how much I owe my church for my very life. But somehow my words have never translated. And even if you did understand, I know you have your own story that you must live, your own path you must figure out. A parent's job is not to dictate their children's life. A parent's job is to teach the best they can and then love. And so I wish to do that.
One of the blessings of parenthood is to be surprised by who your child is and to thank God for the chance to just be in the story. I want you to know that I am grateful to be in your story. I am grateful to know you and to watch you grow, just how you are. Thank you for being you. Thank you for doing what you need to do, to learn and grow in your own way.
I really respect your backbone. I mean that. It takes a lot of guts to tell your parent that you are leaving -- especially when your parent is me, and is crazy about the gospel! And I'm sorry, truly sorry, for the fear each of you felt to tell me your decision.
Everyone has to decide what they really believe. Going through the motions with no belief is kind of poisonous, I think. A person can do "all the right things" but if their heart isn't there, there is no benefit, and a person can feel half-dead inside and feel trapped, silenced, and angry -- even oppressed.
That would be an awful road to travel. You are using your voice and living authentically. You make your words and actions match your beliefs and feelings. THAT is the right starting place for finding your path.
Of course, I want you back in the gospel and I pray for it daily. But when that day comes (I hope it does), there is no room in real discipleship for pretending, and because of your honestly, I know that you'll only come back when you have a real conviction for God.
For now, I pray for you to have guidance to solve your troubles. You're each out there, trying to figure out life: how to make a living, how to make your way in the world. I've always turned to God for help. I've worried that you won't have a place to turn when life is hard.
But I know that answers are out there for you too, even if you aren't doing things the way I do. God is seeking after you, loving you, no matter where you are and what you are doing. There is goodness out there, there are answers, there is hope, and you will be guided as you go.
If there was another way, I would want you in the faith. But as it is, I trust you to take the path you need to take, to grow the way you need to grow, and to do life the way you need to do it. Because in the end, no mortal really knows what another person should or should not do.
Meanwhile, if I can offer a piece of advice, I'd say this:
Listen to your heart, trust your gut, love other people, always forgive, believe in second chances, help those who struggle, and treat yourself like someone precious.
Because you are.
Love,
Mom
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