This case really stood out to me. The client was a kind-hearted and sensitive young mom who had all kinds of trouble with her family. She was grown up, married with children. But despite being a full adult, her parents and siblings felt entitled to continually "correct" her character and diagnose her supposed failings.
As a result, my client often struggled with insecurity and fear about who she was. All this, too, while she juggled her own busy motherhood.
Her phone would buzz, almost daily, alerting her to an email or text from family. She'd open up the message and there it would be: everything she was doing wrong and how they felt she should correct it.
I think part of her knew her family was out of line. But part of her was unsure. She was a humble, mild person, who wanted to correct her faults. So she came to see me hoping I could help her find out what she was really doing wrong. She wanted to change, and to stop hurting people that she cared about.
In a soft, bewildered voice she let the story come out (she struck me as a little tired as she spoke). I learned that sometimes my client did *astounding* and hurtful things such as:
leaving a party a few minutes early without explaining
recarpeting her hallway without asking mom's opinion on the brand
taking a weekend trip with an aunt but failing to invite a nearby cousin
texting birthday wishes too late in the day
and so on
Shocking, I know. It was hard for me not to be sarcastic, and to say something like, "Wow, you really do those things? You would be impossible to live with." But in any case....
In light of such offenses, the family would start to chatter, and the texts and emails would start coming in. She would soon receive a diagnosis of either her psychological disorders, or her selfishness, or her spiritual deficiencies, or an unholy combo-pack of the three.
And it had been going on so long that she mostly believed them.
Which is exactly what happens in mental/emotional abuse. Eventually, the person believes what they are being told.
Yes, I know, it's one thing to be in denial about actual faults. That's not what I'm talking about. It's an entirely different matter to be striving to be responsible, loving, and kind, and then to be blamed without any chance to be heard, but to be labeled and diagnosed by a self-appointed-family-armchair-psychologist who never took the ethical oath to "do no harm" -- that's totally different.
In the conversations this client had with her family, something really peculiar stood out to me. They were using buzz words and psychological terms willy-nilly. I'd deconstruct their timing and using of the words, and it was so obvious to me that they were just throwing them out at random. They often didn't fit the situation at all. It seemed like an attempt to sound smart, or clinical, or gain the upper hand.
They dropped words that could be associated with psychology, such as:
"personal responsibility"
"Brene Brown"
"empathy"
"emotional needs"
"disorder"
"you need counseling"
But they didn't stop there. They had a second set of words, the "religious words."
Again the words were more than a little out of context, not to mention the fact that she was an adult and she hadn't asked for their spiritual critique, which makes their attempts all the more inappropriate.
Some of the religious words they imposed on her were:
"un-Christlike"
"family duty"
"disobedient"
"spiritual priorities"
"ungrateful"
*DEEP INNER SIGH*
Now here's my point. Just because someone uses psychobabble and religious buzz words in a sentence does NOT mean they are saying anything meaningful. They might be, but they also might be COMPLETELY missing the point. (I'm a therapist AND a committed member of my church -- I have nothing against religion and psychology. When they are actually helping someone. But to use them as weapons, or out of context, is a bad idea.)
Just because someone can point out that you aren't being "Christlike" doesn't mean that they are right.
Just because someone is saying "you aren't empathic" doesn't mean you aren't.
And just because someone can say the sentence "family should always come first," doesn't mean it applies in every situation.
This case was more on the extreme side (although I did have three nearly identical cases at the same time -- these things come in 3's). Many families still suffer from milder forms of such issues, often out of well-meaning ignorance, but nonetheless...
I've observed a few common ways that family members try to inappropriately analyze and control each other. Perhaps you can spot a couple in your own life. If you can, you can head it off at the pass. At the very least, you can stop doing it yourself if you are tempted. Here are a few gems:
10 Ways You Can Think You Sound Like a Brilliant Therapist When In Fact You are Brilliantly Stupid (probably):
"Any relationship problem is 50/50" (uh, not necessarily. There is such a thing as someone mistreating an innocent person -- that's called bullying)
"You can't bring up the past" (If it has fully been dealt with, both parties will know, but if not, it probably still needs to be discussed)
"You should always be nice" (actually, being nice is sometimes fake or enabling, whereas telling truth or holding someone accountable may "seem" unkind but is really the greater kindness)
"You should never be mean" (a variation of the one above; "mean" is not necessarily mean if it is a hard truth that needs to be dealt with)
"It's petty to argue about small things" (small things are the big things over time; sometimes we actually need to tease out the nuances in a minor interaction to learn what to do differently)
"Family is always first" (sometimes the individual and their needs or feelings should take precedence)
"You're 'playing the victim'" (or... maybe the person is being unfairly strong-armed and IS in a powerless position, e.g. is an actual victim)
"Your boundaries are a weapon" (sometimes a healthy boundary is misinterpreted as a "demand" by someone who doesn't want to acknowledge it)
"Just apologize; explaining makes it invalid" (apologies should never be demanded; they are much more than words, and sometimes some explanation helps both parties understand and come together)
"You have to trust me because we're family" (actually, trust is earned, and it should be built on both sides and never demanded regardless of family status)
You might be wondering what happened to this client. Well, good news. She learned how to discern when someone was labeling or diagnosing her, and to limit that, and to speak for herself, and to insist that she make her own decisions even when they disagreed. They didn't like it, mostly, but she learned to accept that and to accept that she couldn't keep the peace by doing everything she was told anyway.
Key point: relationships are a lot of work. But if someone makes you feel stupid and you can't possibly rise to their standards, and there's no compassion, mutual striving or humility on their part (yours too, of course) then something is wrong.
-- even if the other person sounds smart by using Brene Brown's name, or heaven forbid, quotes from a relationship podcast/prophet/self-help book. Even then, you still have the right to think it through for yourself.
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