Knowing your own reality: a CRITICAL skill in overcoming a dysfunctional childhood

Pia Mellody's book, Facing Codependence should be 1,000% more popular than it is and should be required reading for anyone who had a dysfunctional childhood. I read it in 2011 and it changed the way I see myself and the world.

One extremely helpful concept in recovery is the Three Levels of Reality. If you grew up in a healthy home, you'll take this concept for granted. If your childhood was a bad one, you'll know immediately why this is so important -- because you were never allowed to live in LEVEL 1.

(Spoiler alert: LEVEL 1 is the healthy one)

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THE THREE LEVELS OF REALITY:

LEVEL 1 - I know my reality (what I think, feel, see), and I can say it. I feel comfortable disclosing what I know. My environment (parents, family) will likely believe me. I don't need to hide myself to be safe.

LEVEL 2 - I know my reality (what I think, feel, see), but I don't dare to say it. I'll hold it in. I'll protect it. It might be made fun of or misunderstood, or used against me. It might cause major conflict or hurt others. Or I might believe something is wrong with me and I'm wrong to feel or think as I do. At any rate, I'm not going to disclose my reality.

LEVEL 3 - I don't know what my reality is. I'm not sure what I really think or feel about things. I'm not sure that my eyes give me accurate information. If I see a family member fighting with another, I probably will misinterpret what happened. If I feel sad about something, I'm probably wrong. I usually misunderstand and need others to tell me what I believe or think in order to be safe. I can't trust my perceptions.

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Eeeeek. Level three is BAD stuff. That's where abused women live and they are unable to see clearly the situation they are living in. Their partner tells them it's their fault and they believe it. Their partner says they shouldn't question them, so they don't. They've lost their connection to their hurt, indignation, curiosity, etc.

Level two isn't much better. One's home life is so unhealthy that they have to hide out and please in order to survive. The people that should love you for who you are, don't. You have to perform to get the love. Nobody really knows you.

Level one is lovely. Authenticity reigns. Safety prevails. Its not without conflict or differences. But each person can be who they are and grow in their integrity.

I grew up in level two and sometimes level three. Occasionally level one. My first marriage was mostly level two, with some level one and level three. It's good to be reminded that one should believe their own perceptions and listen to their heart. It's good to be reminded to trust one's own self.

I'm trying, along with my husband, to live at Level 1 and to have mutual respect in that space for differing opinions, needs, and perceptions. We are all entitled to our own subjective experiences. Toxic families, workspaces, and religious organizations only allow one experience or narrative. It's important to realize that a healthy organization allows for each person to work through their own subjective experiences in a supportive and understanding environment.