My age 16 journal entry on popularity

I got this CRAZY idea to post a journal entry I wrote when I was 16....I'm dating it as if I blogged it the day I wrote it. I meant for this to be read, maybe by my children someday. I left the grammar the same as I wrote it originally. Names of people have been replaced with initials.

January 1st ,1991 16 years old

This last year has been one of true growth for me. Just recently I finally gained the perspective of what a teenager is related to the world. I can feel myself in transition, particularly strong at this moment, from teenager to adult and feel that I need to capture my thoughts as I can now see plainly into both the teenage and adult worlds. If I wait much longer I will lose what I'm thinking and become a stubborn adult, free of insight into the teenage world. I'm writing this mostly for my children so that , first, I can go back to this to understand them better by remembering how I felt that that difficult time. Next, they can read this and really see that I was young once and went through it all in really understand.

I'm having trouble finding the words to express my thoughts. Being popular really doesn't matter. I'm starting to really let go of my popular friends no matter how wonderful as humans they are, they have a fault I seek to rid myself of and that is that petty dependency on one another. I talked to S.G., kind of one of the main leaders and organizers in my popular crowd, last night about our crowds New Year's Eve plans. Lately, last year and a half or so, I haven't been so hot to jump whenever the popular crowd had a party or event. I attend when convenient and appealing only now which makes my party going more rare as the months pass. Anyway, S.G. said in reply to my inquisition, that no, she and most of the girls weren't going to the big 6 stake dance held by the church at a local stake center. She said someone would probably have a party. I said what if nobody had a party? Then she said then we are "hatin' it."

That statement hit me as a sum total of my disgust for the dependency that so many of my friends display, whether a part of that particular crowd or not. I chose not to go to the party that they had last night, and instead went with a few people from my ward to the dance and had a wonderful time. I saw tons of friends and renewed many friendships. I saw people I hadn't seen for a long time. I had a great time. A couple of my partying friends dropped in for a minute and chatted with the guy they came with and left. They didn't really even do much but talk with each other and then return to the same crowd they had left. He had figured that the girls that went to the popular party instead of the church dance would have redeem their popularness by doing so, but on the contrary, I believe I became more popular simply by doing what sounded funner to me, go to the church dance.

There I had a wonderful time and talked to many people whereas my other friends wallowed in their popularness at their party, associating only with themselves, neither gaining nor losing friends. Therefore I conclude that when one let's go of all insecure holds on other people, as I felt and I have done in the past, and just goes and does what they want without fear or condemnation, their popularness increases.

Now that I've let go of my popular friends, friendships come naturally and are not forced because I'm obligated to be friends as a member of the group. Last night a friend of mine had a girl from California who was visiting her, with her. I know that I am one of the more popular and respected individuals at school and because of the way I acted which was not snotty, but in a comfortable friendly secure fashion, and the way her friends and mine reacted to me, I know she knew it. So when she was in line to get tickets I was joking around with the guys at the ticket counter, who are hardly nerds but contraire they were totally awesome people in my book. This California girl leaned over to me obviously an insecure popular seeker, I could see to that, she had achieved a good degree of it too, and she said "my only problem here is that I don't know who's popular and who are nerds!" I said, "oh they're all awesome!"

We were both speaking of the people at the ticket counter . Not everyone in general or I wouldn't have spoken as I did . Sounds too goody goody even though I would have felt that way if that was the circumstances. It hit me as another absurd symbol of teenagers petty dependency on each other. ..that she'd worry about who was and wasn't popular out of fear of treating some nerd kindly and being judged badly because of it. Although they may not show it, they may even openly contradict the thought . Most people are impressed when you are kind and cheerful to everyone. I'm really trying to be that person. Because that person's popularity isn't fake. It's true popularity because everyone likes that kind of person. Not everyone likes us not. This snot's dependent friends will pump her up so that she thinks she's so popular and most people will pretend to like her because it's expected of them, but to me, that's not what I want.

I'm seeing now how shallow and thin this side of a teenager is, especially those in junior high. Everything is so exciting and serious and lame and rad and stupid and boring. They judge instantly on the surface every person, every object, every thing . They conclude too quickly so many things. One wrong word said in front of an admired guy can bring a young teenage girl to distress. Every slight word and action is monitored by both herself and everyone around her. One wrong move, a joke that doesn't go over well, can give the girl a complex of insecurity for the rest of the evening feeling awkward and being labeled by others for the fatal fall.

I am definitely above many of my peers in much of this understanding and that understanding isn't that one or even many wrong moves isn't fatal, in fact, it can be enjoyable with mature enough people when you feel comfortable around one another. I don't think I'll be going to many more of my popular friends parties until they grow up a little more because I finally concluded that no matter how fun they are and how I enjoy being with them I am not comfortable around them. It is exhilarating to feel accepted by the popular group and I am and I'm happy for it, but i don't feel totally comfortable around them so I'd rather them not be my main friends until I do. Actually, some, in fact, many of them are dear friends and I'm definitely at ease around them, but some, a few, set me ill at ease. I'm even growing out of that though because I really feel comfortable and accepted around most everyone.

You think with all this talk that I'm stuck up. But I'm not , my trials, really blessings in disguise, keep me humble.

Teenage romance or little heart throbs are so shallow compared to real love. Too quickly I get swept away when some guy is just friendly or nice . I can see now that they are only friends and no more. Someday I will have a good friend and with lots of work and dedication it will turn into love. Love doesn't just come from a little flirting or one date… then it is only friendly, like friends. Too often after I think someone likes me I ignore them out of embarrassment. Now I can see that it is impossible for a guy to really like me when I'm so stiff and unfriendly. From now on I'll assume that no one likes me and that they are just friends. I'll be friendly and outgoing with guys as well as girls!

Sometimes i get lost in a maze of thoughts that are rendered vague by my lack of words to express them