On a Monday morning
At 11:33 am I walk in the cool of early March
Phone in a pocket, earbud in my ear
It's a quiet street, a quiet morning
But I am far from quiet inside
My heart yearns
My head bursts
I don't know what my problem is
Life is so mixed up
I probably need Prozac
On YouTube
Two men debate the Paris treaty
The world is full--
Full of commotion and chaos
I try to remember
What was it I just learned?
Last fall when I read the Gulag?
Oh, yes, value property rights
Value my ability to defend
and my speech
I voted last fall for the first time in years
It all seemed so useless
But at least I tried
Up ahead, a man leans
under the hood of his car
20-something
Crooked beach shorts, wrinkled t-shirt
Uncombed hair
Bucket of tools by his foot
He jerks a wrench
it slips
I walk by, he yelps in pain
Catching his eye I call out, "Gotta love Monday mornings"
He looks at me and smiles
But I can tell he's discouraged
I keep thinking about him as I walk
I pray
Dear God
Watch over him, help him
Whatever he is going through
Lift his heart
Brighten his hopes
I know how it feels
Oh how much suffering there is in this world
Next on my YouTube is something
about content moderation
on social media
Listening, I keep walking in the sun
So many workers paid so little
to witness every day the ugliest things
To help the rest of us
They are hurting
They just want to pay their bills
Now their heads are full of images they can't erase
Oh, God, how long will you allow it to be like this?
How much more can the vulnerable take?
The weather is gorgeous out here
Cool, sunny, calm
I take some deep breaths
How I love to walk
I'm the lucky one
It's a weekday and I'm not at work
I'm on a walk
If only I could walk all day in this weather
Back at home, I thaw chicken for later
Do my hair and makeup
Then the day is half gone
I feel sad, angry, frustrated
For just a few minutes
If only I didn't have to worry about hair or makeup
If only I didn't have to worry about meals
Then I could be freer
Freer to use my time the way I want
The trappings of womanhood feel like a trap this morning
what are my options?
Shave my head? NO.
Eat out? NO.
Not eat?
Look ugly?
There are no viable options
I can never make sense of such things
I switch the laundry
and eat
There's a documentary about Napoleon
It is so good
He is so nuts
This is so fun
I want to do this all day
Just learn and think and wonder
But there is too much to do
I turn off the documentary
There are emails to return
My breath is shallow
My chest is tight
I feel so angry sometimes
Why can't I learn all day?
Why do I have to return emails?
Why do I have to do a million things?
Why am I always interrupted with minute details of living?
The same old mantra plays in my head
I want to get off this treadmill
I want to learn
to think
to walk
to wonder
uninterrupted
One more YouTube
my church is baking bread
and handing it out to hungry kids
in Africa, I think
I cry too easily all the time
So of course I cry now
Why can't I do more?
Why is my life so small?
Why do the details of daily life steal everything?
Why won't the stupid details let me
learn
think
wonder
walk
help
Why, God?
You ask me to become more than I am
And yet I'm so small
So weak
And sometimes so sad
...what is my duty?
What can I possibly do for anyone
weak as I am?
God wouldn't want me to feel discouraged
I will try to see meaning in all of this
I stare in a mirror
and grip the counter's edge
Maybe all I can do
is all I am supposed to do
Hold down this quarter-acre with a house
Do it well
laugh with the people inside
eat with the people inside
live every day by faith
That's all I can do
That's all I've got
How small it is
I can't help the man with his car
I can't feed the children in Africa
I can't help the content moderators who see atrocities
All I can do is the laundry
the dishes
the billing
the email
go on a walk
talk to my husband
laugh with my daughter
say my prayers
try not to be cross
try to be good
That's all I've got
That's all there is
I'll go on fixing my hair and fixing the meals
I still feel anxious
I still don't like it
But its only Monday
I probably really do need Prozac
Or maybe I just need to stop thinking
Which is something
I've never do
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