Marital tip: No cell phones in bed!

There are few things that get my ire up more than my husband scrolling Instagram at bedtime. We've gone the rounds on that one a few times. He doesn't do it anymore. Sometimes he's also checked his email and that's made me mad too. "But it was a church update" he has said to me. "Doesn't that make it OK?"

Nope. I'm unsympathetic to church updates. Or Instagram stuff from the church or beloved children. I truly hate phones in bed. I can't and won't compete. Bedtime is our time. To debrief the day. To listen to each other's feelings, plan the day tomorrow, and such.

A couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep. My husband was in dream land. Sometimes a meditation helps me. So I reached for my phone. I don't know how it happened. But one hour later, I still hadn't meditated. But I *had* read a couple of Wikipedia articles, checked my email, reviewed the bank balance, and surfed some book review blog posts. My husband seemed to be sleeping but I couldn't be sure. He stirred a couple of times.

In the morning, I asked him if my cell phone light had woken him up. It hadn't. He hadn't realized I'd been on the phone. But I still felt guilty. You see, I'm the main complainer in the marriage (generally the ladies role in most relationships because we notice everything), and I wouldn't hesitate to let him know that was uncool if it had been him on the phone. Even if I'm asleep, I'll wake up on purpose just to catch him and let him know my feelings were hurt.

But anyway, I admitted that I'd been on my phone. I really do value honestly and integrity in myself even when I am weak. And my husband is a patient person. He didn't pounce all over his opportunity to let me know how I broke my own rule. As with lots of things like that, I had to see it from his point of view and ask how he felt. I had to try to check in deliberately about this because he probably wouldn't have said a thing. Time would pass, I'd get away with all kinds of stuff, and then gradually, I'd turn in to "that person" who is kind of a hypocrite. And I really don't want that to occur. So we talked about it.

"Does that bother you that I got on my phone? I mean, the platinum rule is different than the golden rule. So if it bothers me when YOU get on your phone, so the golden rule is I should't get on mine. But the platinum rule is do to others as THEY would have you do to them -- this might make an allowance. If you don't care if I'm on it, then maybe its OK?" I just wasn't sure. I didn't know if he really didn't mind, or if he was just super patient.

Anyway, we talked about it. He doesn't like me on my phone either. Its a disconnection. A distraction. He feels replaced. Just like I do when he's on the phone. So I vowed to leave my phone alone at night. Which is a very good thing.

A few months ago I was charging my phone in another room at night. I liked that a lot. I really don't like how it feels to reach for it first thing, and tuck it in at night as the last thing. I'm tired of it. But its still tempting. And the meditation app really is lovely. I will reach for my integrity, though, and not reach for my phone when I should be reaching for my husband.