How to complain

(Originally posted on my business site)

Complaining has a bad reputation. We all know we shouldn't "be complainers."

Because we shouldn't. Nobody wants to be around someone who has a perpetual negative attitude, or someone who is always looking to point out what went wrong. That's why the whole "be positive" concept exists. We DO need to look at the bright side, focus on what works, and do our best to contribute.

AND, there are also times when we need to complain. We need to do it in the right way though. There is a right way and a wrong way to complain.

The wrong way is what we usually call complaining: bringing up all the negative stuff without proposing solutions, using labels, telling the other people what their feelings are, not being willing to help, blaming others, having a victim attitude. Something along the lines of, "you're always late and I can't stand it. I'm really mad and I think you are irresponsible and don't care about me." This kind of talk won't go anywhere positive.

So are we just supposed to not bring up problems so we don't look like a Negative Nancy? Nope.

The right way to complain is just as easy as the wrong way. It just takes a little thought. It requires you to get a little more organized in your own mind about what happened, and about what solutions you might propose. It takes a sec to filter out labels, mind reading, and dramatic declarations of victimhood. In essence, its kind and proactive.

A formula for healthy, good complaining goes like this: "I feel ______ about _______, and what I need is ________. How does that sound?" In using this formula, you are taking ownership of your personal, subjective viewpoint and also proposing what would help you feel better. From there, you can listen to the other person's feelings and negotiate what might work better in the future.

*NOTE* This is not a prescription to push someone around, such as "I feel neglected about your lateness. What I need is for you to be on time every time without fail." That's kind of bossy and takes away dialogue. Having a discussion about the solution is important; involving both parties.

Here is a positive example to end on: "I feel sad and anxious when you don't show up on time. It would help so much if you texted me if you are running late, or better yet, made a more consistent effort to be here on time. It would mean so much to me. Is that something you could work on for me?"

See how much more inviting that last example is? Now go find something to complain about...