Recovery post: more commentary on going to my therapist

I remember, as a kid, thinking adults were so smart. They had their own cars and jobs and credit cards. They got to tell us what to do. They had their acts together. But I’m 44, and I’m realizing that I know very little. That every day is its own battle to fight, and that my challenges rarely feel easy. That I rarely feel like “I’ve got this.”

Last week I started seeing my therapist again. This go-round I told him my goal was just to have a safe place to spout off a bunch of my ideas and musings. Since I sold my professional therapy practice a few months ago and am embarking on a new journey of writing and content creation, I am doing a LOT of introspection into my life mission along with my talents and weaknesses. I’m addressing childhood issues, insecurities, and misconceptions about myself that have kept me afraid, and any blockage I can find that might get in my way of being courageous in my personal growth or my ability to share my beliefs with confidence. My therapist, one of the truly great people in my life, understood and is nothing but supportive.

So here I am. Struggling to identify my strengths. Struggling to identify why I’ve felt like my voice has been silenced, like why I need to be a pleaser, and why I get more upset than necessary when I’m invalidated.

And I’m tempted to have a self-effacing, indignant conversation with myself such as:

“Why do you think you need to do all of this belly button gazing? Why are you wasting the therapist’s time, and journaling about your dreams and frustrations, and strengths? Don’t you know enough yet? My goodness, you’ve raised four children and been around the block a few times with life experience of every variety. Don’t tell me you don’t know yourself yet.”

The other me (the nicer one) answers:

“It’s understandable that you don’t know who you are completely yet. None of us do. But it's time to know more. And it's understandable that you have struggled to have an identity because your mom only told you things, she wanted you to be and often shut down your feelings. And your ex-husband did the same. Nobody has consistently allowed you to be who you are. But your husband now is safe and supports your voice. Its time. Maybe it's later than others, but it’s the right time for you.”

That old comparison game is poison. That thinking “why am I so late to the table with getting my voice figured out?” I’ve had reasons.

For the first time in my life, I am safe. I am truly safe. I live with someone who wants the best for me and is willing to set himself and his ego aside to support me. He is willing to watch and wait and love me while I grow, to observe those things that upset me, to observe those things I’m good at, and to do the same for those I truly stink at. And to tell me he’s along for the ride. All of it. Every little part of the journey of being in my life.

For the first time in my life, I am not required (by a toxic mother or toxic ex-husband) to be silent. I’m not required to serve the other person to the extinction of my voice, my identity, my dignity, and my loyalty to my own emotions.

Psychologists call it a mirror. That person who allows us to be us, and then shares with us (non judgmentally) what they see. They say what they love and also are curious about things we might struggle with. But it's not self-serving. It's out of a gentle willingness to grow with us and watch us grow. With faith in us. That we are like a tender and sweet plant that will bloom in the right conditions. That we don’t need to be yelled at or forced to grow. That is a mirror.

We look in the mirror (the loving person who is patient with us and helps us see ourselves), and we learn who we are. We see what we might become. We see our talents. We see the ways we might hurt someone. And it's clear and clean. Not distorted.

A distorted mirror tells us what they want us to be in order to keep their addiction alive, or in order to keep the peace, or in order to prevent them from having to be truthful or have to grow. A distorted mirror praises us when we work harder and please them…. Even when it was toxic for us to do so.

So we keep pleasing, hungry for the praise. And we don’t really know who we are.

The problem is, our friends and our workplaces don’t know us well enough to compensate for our family’s failure to love us adequately. The “outside world” almost always praises accomplishment. So those who are shut down at home for being who they are, and are pressed and pressed to serve and accomplish and be silent and be perfect…. It’s a trap that’s hard to get out of. Then both your family AND the world tell you your value is based on keeping quiet, and keeping sweet, and working until you collapse.

Where is the cure?

For me, it's learning that Christ doesn’t expect perfection. That he takes us right where we are and just asks us to reach for the next thing. That God gave us strengths and weaknesses that compose the beautiful fingerprint that we use to serve him. And that’s good enough for him.

It's been a hard road, living without validation (or, a mirror) from loving and close family members who *should* have been the ones to adore me for who I was. It's been a long road of perpetuating some of the same behaviors on my children before I learned better (sorry, you guys!!). And now, it’s a hard road for my husband to sit with me and tell me what he sees that is good, and patiently help me accept what is not so good.

So here I am in therapy, age 44, telling my therapist I’m just trying to figure out what qualities I have to contribute to the world, and how I can harness my voice without shame.

Without validation, a child can be confused about their identity. They can feel that unless they morph their needs, talents, and feelings into something different, they’re not safe. Then that child marries, and they’re likely to land in the same sort of nest. The lack of validation by a dysfunctional parent can start a chain reaction in a child that makes them struggle with identity.

I want to say this to other parents: Learn how to verbalize the qualities you see in your children. Even if they are qualities that are “risky” to you, or don’t “serve” you. Instead of praising grades and chores so much (which are great things, don’t get me wrong), praise them for being willing to share their feelings too. Instead of praising them for liking the sports, you liked as a kid, praise them if they are willing to tell you they want to go into robotics instead. Tell them you are grateful they felt comfortable enough, secure enough in the relationship, that they knew they could like something different and still be ok. Instead of praising them for being the perfect little church member (again, not a bad thing, just be aware here…), praise them for thinking carefully about their beliefs, and being willing to study and question things to learn for themselves. Praise them for being their own agent. Praise them for using their brains. Yes, praise them for being polite, hardworking, and obedient. But don’t – under any circumstances – praise only those things that make your life easy and make you look good and validate yourself as being the perfect parent.

Don’t do it. It will mess with the child’s ability to know who in the heck they are when they are not pleasing someone else. It will steal their ability to stand up against the opposition. It will wrongfully communicate to them that their worth is in being something for you instead of in learning, creating, discovering, and engaging in the messy but beautiful process of growing.

Fail to validate your child in all their messy, lovely, human-ness, and you will definitely need to enroll in a Pre-Paid Therapy program. Which isn’t a thing. But for some of us parents, it could provide a nice safety net.... :)