Getting over grief

(also posted on my business website)

Grief can be controversial. Some people seem to "get over it" quickly, some slowly. Some wonder if there is a right or wrong speed to the grief process. Families members or friends can get frustrated with each other for doing it "wrong." I've reminded clients that each person has their own way of getting through the grief - t's individual - and we don't get anywhere by judging someone else's grief.

Example number one: a teen girl I treated was brought to therapy by her father. He thought she was not grieving the death of her mother properly. The fact of the matter is, she was a more logically oriented girl with a hint of Autistic characteristics who felt she understood why mom was taken early. She had cried, but she also felt at peace. The father felt that was not normal for a teen girl to be without the falling-apart symptoms he had expected. We talked about how she may go through different periods where she felt more grief than others. When she did have more feelings, his job was to be there to listen. But it would actually be harmful to remind her that she should be sad or journaling or avoiding friends or lighting candles because that wasn't normal to be happy. The father was glad to know he didn't need to make her grieve differently in order to be healthy.

Example number two: another teen girl I treated, also brought in by father and step mom for grief due to her mother's death, was a different matter. The mom died when the girl was only seven, and now she was sixteen. She had not grieved much at the time of death. She hadn't really understood what it meant to lose her mother at the time. But now, almost ten years later, living with all brothers and her step mom whom she did not trust (although she was a very kind woman), she thought about her mom night and day. She wanted her mom to tell her how to do her hair, how to handle dating, and help her decide on future career plans. We looked at her photo albums in therapy and she cried buckets of tears. Treatment lasted for months. When she finished, she was feeling better, but was still often sad. Which was understandable.

Everyone's grief is their own journey. Sometimes it hits a person sooner, or later, or softer, or harder than other people around them. The key is to allow each person to do grief in the way they need to

.

Years ago, I took my children to my brother's grave. He had died a few months previously and we all missed him. I cried as we sat, looking at the headstone. I wanted each of us to say something we loved about my brother. My kids just looked at me like I was crazy. They weren't interested in my little ceremony. I didn't understand then as I do now that my way wasn't their way. Its normal to be in denial, or be angry, or be accepting, or be numb or depressed...or to be happy for a while and then come back later and feel sad again.