Beware of the neighborhood FaceBook group...keep perspective, keep compassion

Last week, I met a retired man on my street who had just moved to my neighborhood from Colorado. He was friendly, clean, responsible. I liked him. He was excited to get away from the snow. His wife and he were working on de-junking the garage and remodeling to fit their needs. He seemed to be a lovely person.

In a protective wave of sympathy for this nice human being, I offered a bit by way of neighborly advice. "Be aware that our neighborhood FaceBook group can be a bit toxic. Read it with a bit of an emotional wall and you'll be safe."

"Oh, I get it," the man said. "Our last neighborhood had the same thing. One has to take such things with a grain of salt." I was glad he wasn't naive.

So I breezed through my local FaceBook group a couple of days ago. A few benign posts about babysitters, a stray dog, and an open house. Then, I saw it. The dreaded toxic post. Such posts come up at least weekly. This time it was video footage someone had posted form their video doorbell. The footage featured a teenager who had door-bell ditched at 2am. "Who is this kid" demanded the post.

What followed was "interesting." The first commentor was an older woman who said "Why are there so many delinquents in the neighborhood?" Followed by others who said they would "egg those kids" if they saw them and "where are those parents" and someone else saying "I know these parents and they don't even care."

Wow. Ok. If that's neighborly love, who needs enemies, right? The week before, this page featured video footage of another little kid (via another doorbell video) who had taken an Amazon package off someone's porch. "Who is this kid, and where's my package?" Demanded the person. The kid was my friend's daughter who is only four or five. My friend is a working mom of several little kids, the local young women's president, and is pregnant. One of the kindest, hardest working people I know. And she was being publicly shamed on the page. She got on the thread, apologized, and asked for the video to be removed.

A couple of weeks before that, someone posted a picture of "dangerous boys" climbing a local hill. "These kids are going to get hurt and this is probably illegal" or something like that was said. Again, I know the mom of one of the boys. She's a friend of mine as well. A local therapist whose ex husband died from a drug dose, lives in a mixed family now, her husband out of town frequently, probably going to be deployed soon, and her kids still grieving their father's death and adjusting to step dad. They are also really great kids. I'm glad they are out climbing a hill. But how lame was that for my friend to be publicly shamed about her kids, who weren't doing anything wrong, and she's just trying to raise the healthiest family she can. Not feelin' the neighborly love.

And now this thing about "why are there so many delinquent kids?" After reading several responses that supported the position of the bitter lady, I posted the following, "There are lots of kids around here but labeling them as delinquent is not helpful. I don't want to see our neighborhood divided by labels and anger. Anytime children live among adults which is where they're supposed to live, there will be challenges because the children are not as mature as we are. So let's be kind and not use the labels. It has always been the nature of People to judge what is not understood but let's show some love and kindness while also asking for changes when necessary. Labels only divide. But as friends we can grow together and show support." The bitter lady responded by posting an emoticon of someone throwing up. She wasn't a fan of my non-judgmental loving.

I believe firmly in the scriptural mandate to "revile not the reviler" so I didn't say anything about her being a bitter, narrow minded person who made growing old look very sad. I DO believe that only love begets love. A quick mud-sling back in her direction wouldn't help the situation. But I'm still glad I spoke up. I added a little more to another sub-conversation on this thread: "I agree that that would be very annoying behavior and I would be unhappy if it happened to me but I want to chime in and say that the tone of these threads should always error on being kind and understanding. Parents have a hard job and are doing the best they can and kids don't have the maturity to understand the full implications of what they're doing. It doesn't mean they should be babied but it means we need to be careful to be kind." and then on another section, " I totally agree that it's a situation that needs fixed and that it's illegal. But whether the parents care or not or whether it's the same kids or not, we, as a neighborhood must not allow ourselves to become divided or using harsh judgment language because that does not serve anyone. None of us ever fully understand what others are going through privately. Parents are under huge amounts of pressure and children are too ...and so are we as onlookers. All of us make mistakes and have hurt and inconvenienced other people without meaning to. So let's just be truthful about changes we need while being kind. I'm sure that something we all can agree on."

Enough said anyway. Some people chimed in with more compassionate or problem solving ideas. But the original lady stayed as she was. Not swayed at all by kindness. Not interested in accepting that not everyone is a boring old lady with no goals or hopes anymore. Not interested in looking beyond her box.

The danger is real for ALL of us to be that person in some way or another. Whenever we think our life experience, our culture, our beliefs, our needs, our history, our line of thinking is better or more valid than others, we are being that person. It doesn't mean we can't advocate for our needs to be met or for our perspectives to be honored. But it does mean we need to check ourselves at the door before we throw a rock. Because as the saying goes, we do live in homes made of glass.